ladyjanelly: (Default)
[personal profile] ladyjanelly

It's been a weird few weeks.  Not realy bad, just weird.

I feel profoundly disconnected from myself.  I feel like I have no idea what my body's trying to say--is that hungry or tired or thirsty? Eating is a "because I should" sort of thing instead of "reaction to hunger" thing.  I'm sleeping more.  Or just not getting up.  I think that's partly because of the cold.  I do that every winter.

 I feel disconnected from my emotions.  Everything is like a distant echo of what I should be feeling.  In some ways it's nice, because I'm less stressed about--well, everything.  On the other hand, I feel like it's a waste of money for me to go to the movies or whatever.  

I got the test-thing for gall-bladder function on friday.  That was interesting.  three hours with an IV in my arm lying on a table with an x-ray lookin' thing above me as I freakin' froze to death.  They should know something in a few days.

I was diagnosed with depression ten days ago so I'm on meds for that now.  I always thought I'd be very angry if I ever found myself in this situation, but I don't feel much of anything.  It's like it's someone else, not me.  It's really weird.

I really want to write this week.  I put down 8 words of model-verse today.  It felt like an accomplishment.  

I'm still going to the gym and Amtgard.  I am pleased with how my body's looking these days.  I'm down to 158 (losing about 1-2 lbs a week, so it's all reasonable).  Clothes that didn't fit a month ago fit again.  It's pretty cool.

HOpe everything is good with all of y'all.  Sorry if I've been weird or distant or whatever these past weeks. 

Date: 2007-10-29 04:25 pm (UTC)
embroiderama: (Dean - hug)
From: [personal profile] embroiderama
All that stuff up there definitely sounds like depression. *hugs* And I get you, really, because I'm there myself, just went back on meds for it for the first time in many years. I hope things start feeling more connected for you soon. And considering how impossible it's been for me to write, I agree that 8 words is an accomplishment.

Date: 2007-10-29 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks. I appreciate it.

I've avoided talking about my blah blah blah here for a while-- but I felt like I've been out of touch from my LJ friends for a while and should touch-base with y'all. And I know others have had issues like this and it doesnt hurt to get a little support and stuff.

Date: 2007-10-29 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daisydumont.livejournal.com
i've experienced some of this at various times in my life. the flattening of affect you describe is troublesome -- i'd be aware i was going through the motions with people, pretending to feel the love that i knew was there somewhere.

hope the meds make you feel more connected with yourself soon.

Date: 2007-10-29 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I'm borrowing the AA trick of "fake it til you make it." I think it's important to be aware that I am faking it though.

I'm chosing to be moderately (for me) social, and eating and working out even when I don't feel particularly like it.

Date: 2007-10-29 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elucreh.livejournal.com
I've been where you are, and I send you all my love and sympathy.

If it helps any, it does pass.

Date: 2007-10-29 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks. I do appreciate it.

Right now I figure it's okay to go through the motions for a little while as long as I acknowledge it, and that I'm in counseling and getting help from my family doctor. I do feel like I just have to wait it out.

Date: 2007-10-29 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] allzugern.livejournal.com
I hope your tests bring some clarity and you're feeling better soon!

Date: 2007-10-29 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I really do hope so. I think my biggest worry right now is that it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me and I wasted all that money for nothing.

Which I know isn't really the right way to think about it.

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Date: 2007-10-29 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] positivelyb.livejournal.com
Whenever they switch my meds, I always end up feeling disconnected, too. I call it the "wading through jello" week.

Eventually your body will adapt to the medication and you'll feel like you have a more even footing. That's how it's always been for me, anyway. Best of luck with the tests.

Date: 2007-10-29 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I hope so. This is--not unpleasant, but it's no way to live long-term. I'd have to try something different in a few weeks if it doesnt fix itself.

Thanks for the well-wishes.

Date: 2007-10-29 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverkit.livejournal.com
I'm not sure if I can say anything that hasn't already been said, but I hope you feel better!

Date: 2007-10-29 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I still appreciate it.

Your icon is funny. Poooor Sam.

Date: 2007-10-29 08:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lexstar29.livejournal.com
There is a really good book on depression, it's really short, almost done like a childrens picture book, and its called 'I had a black dog' by Matthew Johnstone. Its tough to be sick and not know why. I lived like that for years, test upon test, sypmtoms that never quite went away. I know how that feels, but you do find your footing again. You find a way to deal. For me meditation helped a lot. Take your victories where you can, there are no small steps.

Date: 2007-10-29 09:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I'll have to look for the book.

I dunno if the gall bladder thing is 'causing' the depression or if the depression is making my subcontious look for physical symptoms and it's all in my head or what.

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Date: 2007-10-29 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deanbear25.livejournal.com
I hope you feel better and your test went well.

Congrats on the dropping the lbs.

Date: 2007-10-29 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks. I appreciate it.

Date: 2007-10-29 09:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rjgrady.livejournal.com
sounds like melancholic type depression. good luck and hang in there, i'm sure you'll be fine. but the answers probably lie deep in the waters. depression is very complex and it's best not to underestimate its tenacity. keeping to normal life is definitely the thing to do. it sounds like you are pretty one the ball about this.

Date: 2007-10-29 10:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I'm going to counseling for the emotion part and the doctor for the chemical component. Being in school does have one big advantage--free counseling once a week (more if I thought I needed it/could schedule it).

I'm working on a balance between being "aware" of the depression and making sure I devote the time and effort to do the things that I know fix it and being "over-aware" where I let it control my life. Tricky, that.

Date: 2007-10-29 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elmathelas.livejournal.com
Hey there. I had a lecture on gastroparesis at school the other day and I thought of you, like hey, I wonder if ladyjanelly is ok, as this soudns kinda like what she has.

Going to the gym is one of the best things you can do for depression. And I KNOW this, I do, and yet I'm rarely motivated to go. I'm so very impressed that even with your physical issues you're still keeping on top of the gym thing.

Actually, I am going to go to the gym RIGHT NOW. ::fist in air:: You have inspired me.

::bows::

Date: 2007-10-29 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
One thing I've done for a while is when i feel myself floundering in blah, I leave the keyboard and the housework and whatever I'm doing that's unsatisfying and just walk for 20-30 minutes. When I get home I'm almost always more focused and have better progress on whatever task it was.

I think I'm doing good at the gym because it's like the one thing I have control over my body on. And I really really don't want to lose muscle mass with the not-eating thing. And Amtgard is an afternoon out in the sun with people and getting exercize, which I know in my head has to be a good thing.

Yes, definitely. Go to the gym.

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Date: 2007-10-29 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deathangelgw.livejournal.com
*snuggles quietly*

Date: 2007-10-29 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks. I appreciate it.

It's not so much bad as just blah. But I get the feeling the drifting sensation is gonna get real old real quick.

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Date: 2007-10-29 10:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dreadful-birds.livejournal.com
Congrats on the weight loss, sorry to hear about the mood stuff. It sounds like you're dissociating, which is something a lot of people do when they're under stress like you are because it DOES make things easier in a lot of ways. It sucks when you stick there though.

I hope your tests give you some easy-to-fix results.

If you need any anecdotal info on depression or the meds, feel free to ask me because I have been on EVERYTHING. Literally. And if I don't have a particular mental disorder, I have a close family member with it, hahaha.

Date: 2007-10-29 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
She put me on Lexapro, which is 10 mg of escitalopram. Their website says that it's for depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I'm not having side effects that I notice. Maybe a tiny big of nausea (hard to tell because of the gall bladder? thing). Teh sex drive, it is dead. Of course it wasn't flourishing before, so....

Gonna talk to my counselor on Thursday, see what I can do to work on the distancing problem. I know I have emotional and history issues to work through and that should help some.

I'm okay being on this stuff for now, but I dunno how I feel about it when the talk turns longer-term, y'know?

oh hai, butting in a bit.

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Re: oh hai, butting in a bit.

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Date: 2007-10-30 01:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roxymissrose.livejournal.com
I understand how you're feeling. Sucks beyond the telling. It's kind of weird how long a person can live like that and not really know anything is wrong.

Date: 2007-10-30 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
the bad stuff seems to sneak up on us--it's so slow that it's hard to say "okay, today is the day it got too bad to let continue."

My roomie really pushes my buttons--her issues and my issues clash like crazy when we aren't doing well, and I was yelling at her and crying at her too much to be healthy so I went to counseling, and the counseler suggested going to my doctor.

Date: 2007-10-30 06:09 am (UTC)
lapillus: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lapillus
{{{}}}}

If you tend to hibernate it might in part be Seasonal Affective Disorder at play and if other things aren't helping you might look into high intensity fullspectrum lights. I know that they help me.

Oh and on a completely unrelated note, if you are still wanting to draw Jensen with glasses check out pictures on this page and the next few: http://www.jensenacklesfans.com/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=165

Date: 2007-10-31 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
I'm also eating a very low number of calories becaue of the gut issue (found out today it's not gall bladder). Which doesnt leave a lot of energy to burn. I do sleep more in the winter since I moved up north to Dallas. When I lived in florida I noticed it less.

Oooh, Jensen with glasses. That'll cheer me up.

depression

Date: 2007-10-30 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deanvica23.livejournal.com
I'm sorry for your depression . try to speak lot with your friends , your family . If you need to help my mail

jensen-natural@yahoo.fr

a friend of france isabelle

kisses and love .

Re: depression

Date: 2007-10-31 03:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks, I appreciate it.

I'm really trying to keep my relationships healthy--friends and family and stuff. It's kind of interesting to evaluate my priorities in a sort of dispassionate way. There are people I haven't hung out with in a while that, on reflection, were pretty cool people and I want to reestablish contact.

Date: 2007-10-31 12:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nova-berry.livejournal.com
Hey lady, thank you so much for letting us know what's going on with you. I'm happy to hear that you're still able to make it to the gym and Amtgard. I had to deal with some pretty severe depression last year, and I was unable to do anything, physically speaking. I went to work, but that was it. So yeah, it's good you're getting out, you may need to continue to fight for that. Any thoughts on meds?

Date: 2007-10-31 12:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nova-berry.livejournal.com
*reads comments and then post again*

*sees that you ARE trying meds*

JAYsus, sorry.

O.o

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Date: 2007-10-31 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tcy-11215.livejournal.com
No advice on the Anti-Ds but I wish you the best.

Date: 2007-10-31 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyjanelly.livejournal.com
Thanks. I do appreciate it.

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