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ladyjanellyThanks so much to Embroiderama who turned this rabid bunny loose on me and was kind enough to beta the fic she inspired.
Thank you to everyone who commented. You gave me wonderful threads of thought to feed my inspiration. You gave me the motivation to follow it to its end.
This is the longest fic I've ever written.
This is the most side-characters I've ever worked with in any story.
This is the first time I've worked on a multi-chapter fic without working on anything else.
You guys are awesome.
This is for you.
========
Many days become one day of test and wait and pokes and doctors.
Jensen goes to the brain-meat doctor and Jared can’t come in and the doctor asks him questions forever about when and where and how his head got hurt and like a man of plastic and gears the same questions over and over like he can’t hear Jensen say he doesn’t know. He asks but doesn’t listen and then he pokes Jensen's head and says letters that don’t make words.
They put Jensen in a big dark tunnel and Jared goes with him but can’t stay. His voice is there though. He talks to Jensen softly and says it’ll be all right and that he’s so good and so brave. The thing makes noise and lights and takes pictures of the inside of Jensen's head and they look at them later with the lights behind them.
“A miracle,” the doctor says and he talks about how Jensen should have died and he can’t explain how he didn’t. He says Jensen shouldn’t walk or talk or breathe and Jensen thinks it’s silly to say that something shouldn’t be when it is but maybe that’s just the way doctors talk.
“I see nothing that can be repaired and no reason to perform surgery at this point,” he says. “I’d like to see him again in a month and do another scan to make sure there are no changes, but I don’t foresee that happening. As far as I can tell, he has managed to heal on his own as much as he is going to.”
“What about--his memory?” Donna asks and Jensen wants to know too so he leans on Jared and listens.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor says and Jensen isn’t. “If he was going to remember his former life he’d have done it by now. At least some glimmer. Memory is a funny thing. If he’d been found earlier. Recuperated around family. It may have been possible to teach him the things he had known before and his imagination would have filled in the gaps. Maybe even enough that he thought he was actually remembering.”
“I am me,” Jensen says. And he might not know much but what he knows is real.
Jared rubs his back for a second and then Jensen gets up and takes Jared out. Donna can talk more to the doctor if she wants to but Jensen is done with him.
The mind-doctor is better in some ways than the meat-doctor but still it isn’t fun. She talks to him for long times and she listens but still she asks the same things many ways.
Jared can’t come in with him for the mind-doctor either but he waits out in the magazine room for Jensen to be done each day. He has to go to her many times. Sometimes they just talk. She tells stories and asks what the people should do or she gives him tests. Matching things and reading and numbers that he barely knows at all. She watches him build a present for Jared and always she writes in her little notebook with her shiny pen.
After all those days she sits in her office with Jared and Jensen and Donna and says what Jensen already knows. That he isn’t dumb. That he just doesn’t know some things yet and that’s okay. That he does know what he wants and what he needs and he should be able to make his own legal and moral decisions if he understands all the details. She says sometimes things don’t fit right in his head and he knew that too. That things slip or words bump each other out of the way.
She says he can take some pills to make it more easy to concentrate but he likes the way his head works and Jared and Donna both look unhappy with the idea so he shakes his head and thanks her anyway.
She says he should go to a word-therapy person to make him talk better.
When he and Jared get home again he crawls up on Jared and tries to touch all of them together which isn’t fair since Jared has more of him than Jensen does.
“My talk is ugly to you?” he asks and Jared shakes his head. “It is bad to understand?”
Jared brushes the hair back from his face and that’s Jensen's favorite thing ever.
“Have I misunderstood you in a long time?” Jared asks and Jensen has to shake his head no. Jared always understands. Jared always sees the true in his words sometimes even when Jensen doesn’t know what that was. Jared sees the true in his go-away words when he’s scared and nobody else ever did.
“You talk different and you see different.” Jared breathes in against Jensen's neck and maybe there’s gonna be sex. Sex would be good.
“Different isn’t bad.” And Jared never lies so it must be the truth. “When you talk sometimes I have to think different. See different. But I like sharing that with you. I like how you are.”
“I am me,” and Jared holds him tight.
“I love you,” Jared says and Jensen knows it’s true. Jared kisses his eyebrows and his cheeks and his nose and whispers, “All of you. The way you talk and the way you think. I love the things you build and the way you’re always helping people. I love the way you take care of me and I need you.”
“Need you too,” Jensen says back. “Love and need for all forevers.”
=========
A week goes by and Jeff doesn’t manage to run into Jared and Jensen. He starts to wonder if Jared’s left town. Gone back to wherever it is that people too generous for this city come from. If he’s gone then Jeff hopes he took Jensen with him. Somewhere safe where the sky knows what the color blue should look like. Somewhere the trees aren’t stunted and twisted from the struggle to grow inside a three foot wide hole in the cement.
He watches for cops. For more investigation but it looks like the case has gone cold for them and he makes sure not to do anything to breathe warmth into it. The storefront that the guy with the poison was working on gets a for-sale sign nailed to the boards over the window and Jeff has to smile knowing that every day it’s on the market costs him money.
He feels new in his own skin some days. Being inside is still something he doesn’t do without a conscious decision but when he wants to he can walk through a door and into the shadows. He can go in and help Karen with serving meals to the steady stream of mid-summer homeless who have come up north to get away from the worst of the heat.
She and the boys have a place of sorts. Just a closet in the kitchen at the shelter where they share a cot over the industrial sized cans of vegetables. The latch on the inside isn’t much and Jeff replaces it with a solid bracket and a two by four to cross over it. Nobody’s getting in that she doesn’t want to.
They talk a lot. Karen about how she ended up on the run from her psycho ex. Her family was so busy with the “I told you so” that they wouldn’t help her and the boys get settled. She had a waitress job a few weeks ago. On the first day she was away some creep at the shelter tried to touch her youngest son and only the older boy making such a fuss stopped him. She’s scared to work now. Scared to let them out of her sight.
Jeff tells her things nobody ever has. How strong he thinks she is and how brave. They watch the kids play on the tire swing Jeff tied to the fire escape and he tells her things he’s never said to anyone else. How scared he is so much of the time and how ashamed for the wrongs he’s done to the people who loved him.
She doesn’t reply and Jeff thinks that’s for the best. He feels lighter for having spoken and he can’t imagine words that would improve on that feeling.
===========
Mr. Marshall makes an appointment with Jared to talk about the assault charge and with Jensen about Davis’ legal status.
He doesn’t have an office in town so they meet at the back booth of a restaurant where the waiters must make twice in a week what Jared does. The place is dark and quiet for lunch with carpet so padded every step sinks in and the white pressed cotton of the table cloths untouchably immaculate.
They dress nice for the occasion. As nice as they have. Jeans with no holes and button-down shirts steamed and smoothed in the shower.
The attorney is there when they arrive and Jared never expected to see the man shaken but the sight of Jensen seems to do it. He half-stands and doesn’t seem to know if he should reach to shake Jensen's hand or hug him or remain on the other side of the table. He sits abruptly and pulls out his briefcase. He flips through papers like he doesn’t even see the pages.
“Mr. Padalecki, mister--Jensen.”
Donna must have coached him which makes Jared a little nervous for reasons he can’t explain. He asks if Jared wants Jensen to leave while they discuss Jared’s case and Jared shakes his head. There is nothing about his life that he wants to hide from Jensen.
“You are officially no longer a suspect in the assault on Mr. Grady. It appears the District Attorney had little confidence in their so-called witness and has withdrawn all accusations. You are free to travel as you wish.”
Jared sags with relief and Jensen squeezes his hand under the table. He knew he’d done nothing wrong. The weight of the accusation still hung more heavily on him than he realized.
“Mr. Carr. Jensen. We need to discuss your financial situation and legal status. Would you like for Jared to go elsewhere while we have this talk?”
Jensen shakes his head and clings tight to Jared’s hand and Jared is secretly relieved. Jensen isn’t good with numbers and money means numbers.
Mr. Marshall talks for a while about legal name changes and the use of a legal alias and Jensen decides to become “Jensen Davis Carr.” Partly for convenience’s sake--Davis’ life came with a lot of paperwork--and partly to keep the name alive for Mackenzie and Donna’s sake.
There were three projects Davis was contracted to work on when he disappeared. Mr. Marshall is certain he can nullify the contracts if he can have a copy of all Jensen's medical and mental evaluations and Jensen agrees. He doesn’t want them to be mad but he can’t build their houses.
“This brings us to your financial status,” Mr. Marshall says and pulls out even more papers and Jared feels a shiver of dread in his stomach. God he hopes Jensen isn’t like deep in debt or something. They’ll fix it if he is but Jared has no idea how.
“Your mother has expressed an opinion that you would want to liquidate your material assets?” Jensen nods and this isn’t the conversation Jared was expecting.
Mr. Marshall takes a deep breath and looks down at the ledger sheets in front of him. “Estimating the current market price for your condo at the Cerulean, your cars, investments and cash savings, your approximate net worth at this time is five hundred sixty thousand dollars.”
Jensen blinks. He looks at Jared and then back at Mr. Marshall.
“My payday?” He seems worried and Jared hugs him for reassurance.
“Yep, your money,” Jared says and he has this moment of dread that Jensen will try to give it all away in the next sentence.
“I don’t even know a number that big.”
Mr. Marshall’s voice is gentler than Jared would have expected and he begins to wonder exactly how close the attorney-client relationship had been.
“If you’d like we can set up a monthly or even weekly distribution of the funds.”
Jensen gnaws on his lower lip and considers it. “For paydays like Jared’s paydays and I could pay half on rents and bills?”
“If we take out some set expenses for him, like health insurance, how long would the money last him, at say, five hundred a week?”
Mr. Marshall does some quick number crunching on a shiny black calculator. “I am not an accountant, but assuming a minimal rate of return on his investments, the principle divided into five hundred dollar payouts, distributed weekly, should last him around twenty years.”
“Is that what you want?” The last thing Jared wants is to railroad Jensen into a decision. “You don’t have to do this at all. You can just leave it there in case you want to have more to spend later.”
Jensen shakes his head and Jared recognizes the determination in the set of his jaw. Jensen doesn’t get stubborn often but when he does it’s near impossible to change his mind.
“If I am half of us I should pay half of us bills.” He meets Jared’s eyes in a rare challenge and there’s no way Jared can argue without contradicting the respect he feels for Jensen and the confidence he’s trying to help him build.
“Okay then,” Jared says and Jensen smiles and Mr. Marshall makes some notes.
“That just leaves the dispensation of the personal effects in his previous residence.”
Jensen goes pale between his freckles and shakes his head. “For Donna and Mackenzie. Not mine.”
Jared bows his head. He doesn’t want to push but he doesn’t want to deny Jensen this last chance to know who he used to be.
“I’ll go with you if you want. We can come home at any time. They’re only things, Jensen. They can’t hurt you.”
“Only things,” Jensen whispers back and rests his forehead on Jared’s shoulder.
Mr. Marshall passes over a key and a printed out map. “I can delay putting the property on the market until you have decided what to do.” His eyes glance off of Jensen's display of affection like it isn’t happening in front of him.
“Thank you,” Jared tells the man and Mr. Marshall has Jensen sign some papers. He looks so very serious as he writes his name in the same careful print he uses to put the labels on the canned goods at home.
Jared says their goodbyes and Mr. Marshall looks on with a melancholy expression as they take their copies and leave.
============
When Jared pulls up in front of the condo where Davis lived--the condo Davis designed--he recognizes it. The sweeping lines and easy curves. It’s like the sculpture of forks made in steel and concrete and glass.
“Oh,” says Jensen from the passenger seat and Jared can tell he sees the familiar shape too. He looks and Jensen is smiling. After the two hour car ride with Jensen sitting beside him like a man going to his own funeral the smile is as unexpected as it is welcome.
He parks in a visitor’s spot and go inside. Mackenzie meets them in the lobby. Jared knows she’s been talking with Jensen on the phone and he isn’t too surprised when she hugs Jensen and he allows it. Together the trio ride up in the elevator. Jensen touches the slate-paneled walls and where the dark stone intersects with tall panels of mirrors. Jared steadies him with a hand on his lower back and wonders if Jensen is remembering somehow or if he just knows that his former self designed this elevator.
They step out into the hallway and Mackenzie takes the key from Jared. She opens the door and Jensen hesitates fearful in the corridor. Jared waits with him. He’s not going to push at this point. Not going to force Jensen to do anything.
In slow little half-steps Jensen makes his way forward. Feeling his way to the threshold with his toes.
Inside it’s like a cover-story on Architectural Digest. Seriously. Leather couches and frosted glasses in tasteful contrast to a collection of primitive masks and bold abstract paintings. It doesn’t look like a place a person lives and that alone is enough to chill Jared. Jensen too by the way he clings tight enough to Jared’s arm to bruise.
“This way,” Mackenzie says like she knows nothing in the living room is personal. She leads them past the kitchen with a comment. “You might want some of his cooking stuff. He never used it but it’s all professional-grade.”
It’s like walking through a mausoleum. A home for the dead. Jensen doesn’t fit here. Not among the modern art or eclectic antiques.
Mackenzie leads them to a room almost as big as the front public area. This one is more comfortable feeling. Half office with a computer area and drafting table. Half den with bookshelves and couches and a huge television. Jensen stands and looks around and doesn’t seem to recognize anything.
“You should take the laptop at least,” Mackenzie says. “And the table to work on. Do you like movies?”
Jensen shakes his head in the way that means he has no idea.
“Is this okay?” Jared asks. “Being here. Are you alright?”
Jensen nods and stays close and they continue the tour. “Guest bedroom is through here.” Mackenzie’s voice is quieter. “Master bedroom on this side. You should keep a few suits at least…”
Jensen peeks in both of those rooms but doesn’t go in. “To home now,” he says and Jared hesitates. “Is his things and he is gone and dead man's clothes don’t fit on me.”
“You don’t want anything?” Mackenzie’s voice is sharp with distress. Jared doesn’t know what she expected but this isn’t it. “Nothing?”
“His,” Jensen says again and there is nothing but certainty in his voice. “All his. For you and Donna now if you want but not me.”
He turns and walks out the way he came and Jared goes with him.
=========
Months go by and the summer is hot and autumn is cool and Jensen is happy.
He is Jared’s and Jared is his and nothing ever could be better.
The money from Jensen's paydays is nice. It doesn’t change anything but it makes some things easier. He can buy glues and strings and what he needs to make stronger presents for Jared. Presents that will survive more than the last ones if they get rolled. He and Jared can do more little things like trying new food and going out to eat or going to art places to see new art stuff or to movies sometimes.
Jensen takes classes while Jared is at work. Cooking and welding and design. Classes to keep him busy and to learn the things he wants to know.
Jensen still goes out. Sometimes with Jared and sometimes alone. He has a phone now to carry if anything goes wrong. Some of the people he knew are still on the streets but some have gone away and new ones have come in.
Jeff lives with Karen and her boys now. Some days Jensen sees him still sitting outside when inside is too small to breathe there but that’s okay. He can go home again and he says Karen is never mad. He works for the salvage place at night as a watch guard and the sky is good for him. Jensen doesn’t think they have sex. Jeff and Karen. They never kiss but always she stands close in his shadow and his hand on her shoulder is gentle but strong. It makes Jensen smile to see them together.
Mackenzie changes to a school more close and she comes over mostly one day in every week or sometimes more. Donna comes too on special days and they talk and eat in fancy restaurants.
He builds things for Jared until there is no space anymore. Jared helps him build stands and Mackenzie asks one day if she can have one for auction for her school and Jared says it’s okay with him if it’s okay with Jensen. When they see her again she looks happy and guilty all at the same time.
“I put your old name on it,” she admits. “And it sold, Jensen. It sold for a lot of money.” And Jared says how proud he is and Jensen never thought anybody but Jared would want what he makes but they do.
He makes more things for Mackenzie to take and sell and she starts saying she’s his agent and that makes him smile to give her a job.
The weather starts to be cold again and Jared talks about going back to school. He likes what he does. Helping people. He wants to help more though and Jensen calls Mr. Marshall and Donna and Mackenzie to see how to let Jared go to school again.
He tells Jared on Christmas. That he can go to school. That it’s all taken care of--school money and rent money and car money. That he can go to school for four more years and it will be okay.
“I can’t accept this,” Jared says and he looks like his heart breaks. “It’s too much, Jensen. It’s too big.”
“If I wanted something so big and you could give it for me you would.” Jensen replies. “I want to give this for you to be happy.”
And Jared kisses him and thanks him and promises to think about it. Jensen thinks to have Donna explain it to Jared better on the next day and she does and Jared starts studying for the tests to be in school.
---------
Jensen goes sometimes. To the places where he used to sleep when it was cold. The places he slept before Jared. He brings things like the hot-hands packets that warm up when you shake them or a jacket from the Goodwill or packs of Pop-Tarts. He finds her there where it used to be him. Skinny and cold and snow on her eyelashes. She whimpers when his shadow goes over her and tries to curl into the place under the stairs more.
He talks slow and soft to her and he pets her fur until she comes out enough to let him pick her up. He puts her in his coat front and she whines and struggles and scratches him with her nails and he holds her and rocks until she settles down with her cold wet nose on his neck and her tail all tucked against her belly.
Her spine pokes hard through her skin and already he can feel the fleas on him from her fur but he takes her home.
Jared fusses that they don’t need a dog and puts her in the bathtub where she can’t run away while he cleans up the scratches on Jensen's chest.
“She needs us,” Jensen says and Jared’s eyes roll and show white.
“She’s filthy.”
“I was filthy.”
“She’s too skinny. I don’t even know if she’ll live.”
“I was skinny.”
Jensen doesn’t argue he just says things that are true for every thing Jared says that doesn’t matter until Jared sighs.
“I suppose you have a name for her already?” He looks down at the cowering yellow puppy and Jensen can see he is just afraid to love her because she might not get better.
“Sadie,” Jensen says and her ears prick up and Jared smiles just enough for his dimples to show.
Jared laughs the way Jensen knows always means yes and shakes his head and puts his arms around Jensen. “Fine. You get to wash her.”
He knows Jared will help.
------
Mackenzie says once that it’s like a fairy tale. With happy ever-after and two princes and a good the-end.
Sadie curls asleep in his lap as Jensen sits on the floor and works on a new project. He looks over at Jared and Jared looks up from his big book and they smile and Jensen thinks Mackenzie might be right
Thank you to everyone who commented. You gave me wonderful threads of thought to feed my inspiration. You gave me the motivation to follow it to its end.
This is the longest fic I've ever written.
This is the most side-characters I've ever worked with in any story.
This is the first time I've worked on a multi-chapter fic without working on anything else.
You guys are awesome.
This is for you.
========
Many days become one day of test and wait and pokes and doctors.
Jensen goes to the brain-meat doctor and Jared can’t come in and the doctor asks him questions forever about when and where and how his head got hurt and like a man of plastic and gears the same questions over and over like he can’t hear Jensen say he doesn’t know. He asks but doesn’t listen and then he pokes Jensen's head and says letters that don’t make words.
They put Jensen in a big dark tunnel and Jared goes with him but can’t stay. His voice is there though. He talks to Jensen softly and says it’ll be all right and that he’s so good and so brave. The thing makes noise and lights and takes pictures of the inside of Jensen's head and they look at them later with the lights behind them.
“A miracle,” the doctor says and he talks about how Jensen should have died and he can’t explain how he didn’t. He says Jensen shouldn’t walk or talk or breathe and Jensen thinks it’s silly to say that something shouldn’t be when it is but maybe that’s just the way doctors talk.
“I see nothing that can be repaired and no reason to perform surgery at this point,” he says. “I’d like to see him again in a month and do another scan to make sure there are no changes, but I don’t foresee that happening. As far as I can tell, he has managed to heal on his own as much as he is going to.”
“What about--his memory?” Donna asks and Jensen wants to know too so he leans on Jared and listens.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor says and Jensen isn’t. “If he was going to remember his former life he’d have done it by now. At least some glimmer. Memory is a funny thing. If he’d been found earlier. Recuperated around family. It may have been possible to teach him the things he had known before and his imagination would have filled in the gaps. Maybe even enough that he thought he was actually remembering.”
“I am me,” Jensen says. And he might not know much but what he knows is real.
Jared rubs his back for a second and then Jensen gets up and takes Jared out. Donna can talk more to the doctor if she wants to but Jensen is done with him.
The mind-doctor is better in some ways than the meat-doctor but still it isn’t fun. She talks to him for long times and she listens but still she asks the same things many ways.
Jared can’t come in with him for the mind-doctor either but he waits out in the magazine room for Jensen to be done each day. He has to go to her many times. Sometimes they just talk. She tells stories and asks what the people should do or she gives him tests. Matching things and reading and numbers that he barely knows at all. She watches him build a present for Jared and always she writes in her little notebook with her shiny pen.
After all those days she sits in her office with Jared and Jensen and Donna and says what Jensen already knows. That he isn’t dumb. That he just doesn’t know some things yet and that’s okay. That he does know what he wants and what he needs and he should be able to make his own legal and moral decisions if he understands all the details. She says sometimes things don’t fit right in his head and he knew that too. That things slip or words bump each other out of the way.
She says he can take some pills to make it more easy to concentrate but he likes the way his head works and Jared and Donna both look unhappy with the idea so he shakes his head and thanks her anyway.
She says he should go to a word-therapy person to make him talk better.
When he and Jared get home again he crawls up on Jared and tries to touch all of them together which isn’t fair since Jared has more of him than Jensen does.
“My talk is ugly to you?” he asks and Jared shakes his head. “It is bad to understand?”
Jared brushes the hair back from his face and that’s Jensen's favorite thing ever.
“Have I misunderstood you in a long time?” Jared asks and Jensen has to shake his head no. Jared always understands. Jared always sees the true in his words sometimes even when Jensen doesn’t know what that was. Jared sees the true in his go-away words when he’s scared and nobody else ever did.
“You talk different and you see different.” Jared breathes in against Jensen's neck and maybe there’s gonna be sex. Sex would be good.
“Different isn’t bad.” And Jared never lies so it must be the truth. “When you talk sometimes I have to think different. See different. But I like sharing that with you. I like how you are.”
“I am me,” and Jared holds him tight.
“I love you,” Jared says and Jensen knows it’s true. Jared kisses his eyebrows and his cheeks and his nose and whispers, “All of you. The way you talk and the way you think. I love the things you build and the way you’re always helping people. I love the way you take care of me and I need you.”
“Need you too,” Jensen says back. “Love and need for all forevers.”
=========
A week goes by and Jeff doesn’t manage to run into Jared and Jensen. He starts to wonder if Jared’s left town. Gone back to wherever it is that people too generous for this city come from. If he’s gone then Jeff hopes he took Jensen with him. Somewhere safe where the sky knows what the color blue should look like. Somewhere the trees aren’t stunted and twisted from the struggle to grow inside a three foot wide hole in the cement.
He watches for cops. For more investigation but it looks like the case has gone cold for them and he makes sure not to do anything to breathe warmth into it. The storefront that the guy with the poison was working on gets a for-sale sign nailed to the boards over the window and Jeff has to smile knowing that every day it’s on the market costs him money.
He feels new in his own skin some days. Being inside is still something he doesn’t do without a conscious decision but when he wants to he can walk through a door and into the shadows. He can go in and help Karen with serving meals to the steady stream of mid-summer homeless who have come up north to get away from the worst of the heat.
She and the boys have a place of sorts. Just a closet in the kitchen at the shelter where they share a cot over the industrial sized cans of vegetables. The latch on the inside isn’t much and Jeff replaces it with a solid bracket and a two by four to cross over it. Nobody’s getting in that she doesn’t want to.
They talk a lot. Karen about how she ended up on the run from her psycho ex. Her family was so busy with the “I told you so” that they wouldn’t help her and the boys get settled. She had a waitress job a few weeks ago. On the first day she was away some creep at the shelter tried to touch her youngest son and only the older boy making such a fuss stopped him. She’s scared to work now. Scared to let them out of her sight.
Jeff tells her things nobody ever has. How strong he thinks she is and how brave. They watch the kids play on the tire swing Jeff tied to the fire escape and he tells her things he’s never said to anyone else. How scared he is so much of the time and how ashamed for the wrongs he’s done to the people who loved him.
She doesn’t reply and Jeff thinks that’s for the best. He feels lighter for having spoken and he can’t imagine words that would improve on that feeling.
===========
Mr. Marshall makes an appointment with Jared to talk about the assault charge and with Jensen about Davis’ legal status.
He doesn’t have an office in town so they meet at the back booth of a restaurant where the waiters must make twice in a week what Jared does. The place is dark and quiet for lunch with carpet so padded every step sinks in and the white pressed cotton of the table cloths untouchably immaculate.
They dress nice for the occasion. As nice as they have. Jeans with no holes and button-down shirts steamed and smoothed in the shower.
The attorney is there when they arrive and Jared never expected to see the man shaken but the sight of Jensen seems to do it. He half-stands and doesn’t seem to know if he should reach to shake Jensen's hand or hug him or remain on the other side of the table. He sits abruptly and pulls out his briefcase. He flips through papers like he doesn’t even see the pages.
“Mr. Padalecki, mister--Jensen.”
Donna must have coached him which makes Jared a little nervous for reasons he can’t explain. He asks if Jared wants Jensen to leave while they discuss Jared’s case and Jared shakes his head. There is nothing about his life that he wants to hide from Jensen.
“You are officially no longer a suspect in the assault on Mr. Grady. It appears the District Attorney had little confidence in their so-called witness and has withdrawn all accusations. You are free to travel as you wish.”
Jared sags with relief and Jensen squeezes his hand under the table. He knew he’d done nothing wrong. The weight of the accusation still hung more heavily on him than he realized.
“Mr. Carr. Jensen. We need to discuss your financial situation and legal status. Would you like for Jared to go elsewhere while we have this talk?”
Jensen shakes his head and clings tight to Jared’s hand and Jared is secretly relieved. Jensen isn’t good with numbers and money means numbers.
Mr. Marshall talks for a while about legal name changes and the use of a legal alias and Jensen decides to become “Jensen Davis Carr.” Partly for convenience’s sake--Davis’ life came with a lot of paperwork--and partly to keep the name alive for Mackenzie and Donna’s sake.
There were three projects Davis was contracted to work on when he disappeared. Mr. Marshall is certain he can nullify the contracts if he can have a copy of all Jensen's medical and mental evaluations and Jensen agrees. He doesn’t want them to be mad but he can’t build their houses.
“This brings us to your financial status,” Mr. Marshall says and pulls out even more papers and Jared feels a shiver of dread in his stomach. God he hopes Jensen isn’t like deep in debt or something. They’ll fix it if he is but Jared has no idea how.
“Your mother has expressed an opinion that you would want to liquidate your material assets?” Jensen nods and this isn’t the conversation Jared was expecting.
Mr. Marshall takes a deep breath and looks down at the ledger sheets in front of him. “Estimating the current market price for your condo at the Cerulean, your cars, investments and cash savings, your approximate net worth at this time is five hundred sixty thousand dollars.”
Jensen blinks. He looks at Jared and then back at Mr. Marshall.
“My payday?” He seems worried and Jared hugs him for reassurance.
“Yep, your money,” Jared says and he has this moment of dread that Jensen will try to give it all away in the next sentence.
“I don’t even know a number that big.”
Mr. Marshall’s voice is gentler than Jared would have expected and he begins to wonder exactly how close the attorney-client relationship had been.
“If you’d like we can set up a monthly or even weekly distribution of the funds.”
Jensen gnaws on his lower lip and considers it. “For paydays like Jared’s paydays and I could pay half on rents and bills?”
“If we take out some set expenses for him, like health insurance, how long would the money last him, at say, five hundred a week?”
Mr. Marshall does some quick number crunching on a shiny black calculator. “I am not an accountant, but assuming a minimal rate of return on his investments, the principle divided into five hundred dollar payouts, distributed weekly, should last him around twenty years.”
“Is that what you want?” The last thing Jared wants is to railroad Jensen into a decision. “You don’t have to do this at all. You can just leave it there in case you want to have more to spend later.”
Jensen shakes his head and Jared recognizes the determination in the set of his jaw. Jensen doesn’t get stubborn often but when he does it’s near impossible to change his mind.
“If I am half of us I should pay half of us bills.” He meets Jared’s eyes in a rare challenge and there’s no way Jared can argue without contradicting the respect he feels for Jensen and the confidence he’s trying to help him build.
“Okay then,” Jared says and Jensen smiles and Mr. Marshall makes some notes.
“That just leaves the dispensation of the personal effects in his previous residence.”
Jensen goes pale between his freckles and shakes his head. “For Donna and Mackenzie. Not mine.”
Jared bows his head. He doesn’t want to push but he doesn’t want to deny Jensen this last chance to know who he used to be.
“I’ll go with you if you want. We can come home at any time. They’re only things, Jensen. They can’t hurt you.”
“Only things,” Jensen whispers back and rests his forehead on Jared’s shoulder.
Mr. Marshall passes over a key and a printed out map. “I can delay putting the property on the market until you have decided what to do.” His eyes glance off of Jensen's display of affection like it isn’t happening in front of him.
“Thank you,” Jared tells the man and Mr. Marshall has Jensen sign some papers. He looks so very serious as he writes his name in the same careful print he uses to put the labels on the canned goods at home.
Jared says their goodbyes and Mr. Marshall looks on with a melancholy expression as they take their copies and leave.
============
When Jared pulls up in front of the condo where Davis lived--the condo Davis designed--he recognizes it. The sweeping lines and easy curves. It’s like the sculpture of forks made in steel and concrete and glass.
“Oh,” says Jensen from the passenger seat and Jared can tell he sees the familiar shape too. He looks and Jensen is smiling. After the two hour car ride with Jensen sitting beside him like a man going to his own funeral the smile is as unexpected as it is welcome.
He parks in a visitor’s spot and go inside. Mackenzie meets them in the lobby. Jared knows she’s been talking with Jensen on the phone and he isn’t too surprised when she hugs Jensen and he allows it. Together the trio ride up in the elevator. Jensen touches the slate-paneled walls and where the dark stone intersects with tall panels of mirrors. Jared steadies him with a hand on his lower back and wonders if Jensen is remembering somehow or if he just knows that his former self designed this elevator.
They step out into the hallway and Mackenzie takes the key from Jared. She opens the door and Jensen hesitates fearful in the corridor. Jared waits with him. He’s not going to push at this point. Not going to force Jensen to do anything.
In slow little half-steps Jensen makes his way forward. Feeling his way to the threshold with his toes.
Inside it’s like a cover-story on Architectural Digest. Seriously. Leather couches and frosted glasses in tasteful contrast to a collection of primitive masks and bold abstract paintings. It doesn’t look like a place a person lives and that alone is enough to chill Jared. Jensen too by the way he clings tight enough to Jared’s arm to bruise.
“This way,” Mackenzie says like she knows nothing in the living room is personal. She leads them past the kitchen with a comment. “You might want some of his cooking stuff. He never used it but it’s all professional-grade.”
It’s like walking through a mausoleum. A home for the dead. Jensen doesn’t fit here. Not among the modern art or eclectic antiques.
Mackenzie leads them to a room almost as big as the front public area. This one is more comfortable feeling. Half office with a computer area and drafting table. Half den with bookshelves and couches and a huge television. Jensen stands and looks around and doesn’t seem to recognize anything.
“You should take the laptop at least,” Mackenzie says. “And the table to work on. Do you like movies?”
Jensen shakes his head in the way that means he has no idea.
“Is this okay?” Jared asks. “Being here. Are you alright?”
Jensen nods and stays close and they continue the tour. “Guest bedroom is through here.” Mackenzie’s voice is quieter. “Master bedroom on this side. You should keep a few suits at least…”
Jensen peeks in both of those rooms but doesn’t go in. “To home now,” he says and Jared hesitates. “Is his things and he is gone and dead man's clothes don’t fit on me.”
“You don’t want anything?” Mackenzie’s voice is sharp with distress. Jared doesn’t know what she expected but this isn’t it. “Nothing?”
“His,” Jensen says again and there is nothing but certainty in his voice. “All his. For you and Donna now if you want but not me.”
He turns and walks out the way he came and Jared goes with him.
=========
Months go by and the summer is hot and autumn is cool and Jensen is happy.
He is Jared’s and Jared is his and nothing ever could be better.
The money from Jensen's paydays is nice. It doesn’t change anything but it makes some things easier. He can buy glues and strings and what he needs to make stronger presents for Jared. Presents that will survive more than the last ones if they get rolled. He and Jared can do more little things like trying new food and going out to eat or going to art places to see new art stuff or to movies sometimes.
Jensen takes classes while Jared is at work. Cooking and welding and design. Classes to keep him busy and to learn the things he wants to know.
Jensen still goes out. Sometimes with Jared and sometimes alone. He has a phone now to carry if anything goes wrong. Some of the people he knew are still on the streets but some have gone away and new ones have come in.
Jeff lives with Karen and her boys now. Some days Jensen sees him still sitting outside when inside is too small to breathe there but that’s okay. He can go home again and he says Karen is never mad. He works for the salvage place at night as a watch guard and the sky is good for him. Jensen doesn’t think they have sex. Jeff and Karen. They never kiss but always she stands close in his shadow and his hand on her shoulder is gentle but strong. It makes Jensen smile to see them together.
Mackenzie changes to a school more close and she comes over mostly one day in every week or sometimes more. Donna comes too on special days and they talk and eat in fancy restaurants.
He builds things for Jared until there is no space anymore. Jared helps him build stands and Mackenzie asks one day if she can have one for auction for her school and Jared says it’s okay with him if it’s okay with Jensen. When they see her again she looks happy and guilty all at the same time.
“I put your old name on it,” she admits. “And it sold, Jensen. It sold for a lot of money.” And Jared says how proud he is and Jensen never thought anybody but Jared would want what he makes but they do.
He makes more things for Mackenzie to take and sell and she starts saying she’s his agent and that makes him smile to give her a job.
The weather starts to be cold again and Jared talks about going back to school. He likes what he does. Helping people. He wants to help more though and Jensen calls Mr. Marshall and Donna and Mackenzie to see how to let Jared go to school again.
He tells Jared on Christmas. That he can go to school. That it’s all taken care of--school money and rent money and car money. That he can go to school for four more years and it will be okay.
“I can’t accept this,” Jared says and he looks like his heart breaks. “It’s too much, Jensen. It’s too big.”
“If I wanted something so big and you could give it for me you would.” Jensen replies. “I want to give this for you to be happy.”
And Jared kisses him and thanks him and promises to think about it. Jensen thinks to have Donna explain it to Jared better on the next day and she does and Jared starts studying for the tests to be in school.
---------
Jensen goes sometimes. To the places where he used to sleep when it was cold. The places he slept before Jared. He brings things like the hot-hands packets that warm up when you shake them or a jacket from the Goodwill or packs of Pop-Tarts. He finds her there where it used to be him. Skinny and cold and snow on her eyelashes. She whimpers when his shadow goes over her and tries to curl into the place under the stairs more.
He talks slow and soft to her and he pets her fur until she comes out enough to let him pick her up. He puts her in his coat front and she whines and struggles and scratches him with her nails and he holds her and rocks until she settles down with her cold wet nose on his neck and her tail all tucked against her belly.
Her spine pokes hard through her skin and already he can feel the fleas on him from her fur but he takes her home.
Jared fusses that they don’t need a dog and puts her in the bathtub where she can’t run away while he cleans up the scratches on Jensen's chest.
“She needs us,” Jensen says and Jared’s eyes roll and show white.
“She’s filthy.”
“I was filthy.”
“She’s too skinny. I don’t even know if she’ll live.”
“I was skinny.”
Jensen doesn’t argue he just says things that are true for every thing Jared says that doesn’t matter until Jared sighs.
“I suppose you have a name for her already?” He looks down at the cowering yellow puppy and Jensen can see he is just afraid to love her because she might not get better.
“Sadie,” Jensen says and her ears prick up and Jared smiles just enough for his dimples to show.
Jared laughs the way Jensen knows always means yes and shakes his head and puts his arms around Jensen. “Fine. You get to wash her.”
He knows Jared will help.
------
Mackenzie says once that it’s like a fairy tale. With happy ever-after and two princes and a good the-end.
Sadie curls asleep in his lap as Jensen sits on the floor and works on a new project. He looks over at Jared and Jared looks up from his big book and they smile and Jensen thinks Mackenzie might be right
