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ladyjanellyJeff works
Jensen and Jared face the man in the mirror together
beta and bunny by the wonderful Embroiderama
==========
======
Jeff works the line at the clinic with a hand on a shoulder here and a calming word there. Jared pulls a little girl with a nosebleed out of the row and Jeff soothes the irate man in front of her with an assurance that the girl needs help right this second. He drops his voice low and dangerous when he does it and the guy gets a clue and shuts his hole and waits his turn like most everybody else.
He watches Jared’s back and even though Jared isn’t a fighting man he knows Jared has his. The way Jared gave him money the night before was new too. Not some stranger giving him a handout to soothe their guilt or stop their fears from whispering ‘there but for the grace of God go I.’ No, that was Jared sharing what he had because he could. Because Jeff needed and Jared had. No strings and no stipulations on how it was spent. Not really.
A guy like Jared, Jeff can’t figure how he’s still single unless the job takes too much of his life. Jeff can understand that. Been there done that himself back before when the walls didn’t close in on him so viciously and normal people didn’t step around him on the street. He remembers the days of wife and kids and going off to work. He tries not to think about it too much. He doesn’t know exactly how many years he’s spent out here. Lost a few drinking and a few just drifting from city to city. He figures his kids are teens by now. Lisa remarried. God he hopes so.
This though, working for Jared and helping at the clinic--makes him feel a man again. As much as helping strangers on the street but in a different way. Part of a team doing more than any five guys could separately.
Jared lets him be a man again. A man takes care of his own and Jeff will find whoever’s done this to the people Jeff cares about. He’ll find him and do whatever it takes to eliminate the threat.
He makes the silent promise to be sure Jared has an alibi when the time comes.
========
Thirty-six hours of fear and work and running around like a crazy thing stand between Jared and the last time he saw his bed by the time he stumbles up the stairs to his apartment. The drive over had him biting his lip and slapping his own face to not fall asleep at the wheel and run a red light or rear-end a taxi. His apartment lock is his downfall though. The key refuses to fit and he can’t--he just can’t and it won’t work and he’ll cry if he isn’t in bed in like thirty seconds. The jiggling tips the Gatorade bottle off the other side of the knob and Jared’s glad every time he hears that because it means Jensen hasn’t left while he was gone.
“Jensen?” he calls and taps on the door. He knows it freaks Jensen out when he comes home so Jared tries to get his attention as gently as he can.
He hears a little scratch against the other side of the door too quiet to be heard if he wasn’t leaning against it for support.
“Jared?” The deadbolt clicks back and the door opens. Jensen blinks at him and the first thing that registers is that Jensen has cut his beard off. Mostly. Small patches and tufts of reddish hair still cling here and there between the razor burn and tiny cuts. Just another thing Jared should have planned for and taken care of ahead of time. He should have made sure Jensen had help with it or at the very least a couple fresh razors instead of the weeks old disposable Jared left him.
The second thing to register is that at least now Jared doesn’t have to worry about Jensen’s blood’s ability to clot.
The third thing that registers is that Jensen isn’t a bad looking guy without all the hair and Jared feels the slip-slide of an understatement so big that it’s almost a lie. His jaw is stronger than Jared would have guessed. All the proportions fall into place--eyes with nose with lips with chin and Jensen is so classically handsome that all Jared can do is stare. A few months of good meals and good sleep will fill him out and fade the last signs of wear and Jensen will be handsome like a soap star or male model.
He must be really out of it because Jensen waves a hand in front of his face and then grabs him by the arm and drags him inside. He looks worried and Jared wishes he knew what to do to make that go away but he’s having a hard time putting one thought in front of the other. He’s still sort of stuck on “Oooh, pretty,” when Jensen sits him on the couch and floats a light touch over Jared’s face and head and shoulders, down his arms to his wrists.
“Hurt?” Jensen asks and Jared manages to pull himself together.
“Huh? No. Just tired. Sorry.”
Jensen pushes him down to lie on his back and pulls the blanket up over him, shoes and all. He almost drifts off there and then but Jensen's back in a second with a pop-tart and a full bottle of yellow Gatorade urging Jared to eat and drink before he crashes and wow, Jared never realized how badly those two things go together, how sickly sweet the pop-tart jelly is or how sour the lemon-lime drink.
Still the combination puts some nutrients back in his system and he doesn’t feel so much like he’s dying. Tired though, so tired and Jensen kneels at his side and rests his head against Jared’s shoulder and Jared threads the fingers of his other hand through the hair at Jensen's nape and he feels too safe and content and loved to stay awake.
It isn’t the first time Jared’s slept on the couch. It was the one piece of furniture he lugged all the way up north when he moved out of his parents’ home and there was no way he was parting with a couch long enough for him to stretch out on and then some. Back when things went to shit with Darren he spent weeks out here avoiding the bed that smelled like them. Weeks or more.
He wakes up on the couch with the glow of streetlights and the passing of night time headlights shining soft on the room which is strange enough. The feel of another person’s warmth tangled up with him confuses him half awake. For a moment he freezes but then his brain kicks in. Jensen. That helps and he starts to figure out where he is and that Jensen is sharing the couch but with his head on the other end. One of his feet pokes Jared in the armpit and the other is slung over his hips to become a heavy warmth pressing against Jared’s crotch.
It feels wrong. Un-right to want Jensen and Jared’s erection shames him. Makes him feel dirty and selfish and he knows he just has morning wood and any touch would have gotten a rise out of him but he can’t help the guilt that fills him. So tired though and Jensen sleeping so sweetly against him. He shifts his hips and turns so the pressure is on his thigh and not his crotch. All he can manage before he slips under again and it’ll have to do.
=========
Jensen wakes Jared up again for cheese crackers and water. He never saw anybody sleep for so long but he never knew anybody that was awake for as long as Jared either except maybe Jeff, who he never sees sleep at all. The bad things at work must be very bad and Jensen wants to pull all of Jared’s clothes off and check for bruises or cuts or some sign of what happened. That would wake Jared up too much though and Jared looks so tired with the dark under his eyes and in his eyes and his hand so heavy on Jensen's hair.
One time Jared’s pocket makes a noise and Jensen finds a little black box-thing inside and he has seen people talking to them but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want it to wake up Jared so he puts it in the bathroom under all the clothes in the basket to make it be quiet.
He doesn’t know what else to do to help Jared sleep and get better. He puts the bottle back on the doorknob so he’ll know if anybody comes in and he puts food on the table for when Jared wakes up--all the food he can find. The heater hums dry hot air into the room but a foot away from the grill there isn’t much hot left. He pulls his jacket off and puts it over Jared to keep him warmer.
Having Jared home but sleeping is like having Jared not home except Jensen can watch him while he sleeps and Jared is much better to watch than the him in the mirror. He does. Watch Jared sleep. The curve of his eyelashes and the tiny crease on his forehead. The line by his mouth from a smile so big it leaves a mark and the dark flecks on his cheek and jaw and throat. He watches Jared sleep and when Jared frowns or twists like the blanket ties him up Jensen touches his hair and says soft words that don’t mean any meaning until Jared finds his quiet again.
When he gets hungry he eats and when he gets bored he takes the forks and knives and shapes them into a new shelter for the man with the green glass heart. A place with spaces between the walls for doors all around and a top to twist the wind away if it was solid and so all the rain would go off one side like a sheet. He thinks about the roof and if the building faced where the wind came from the rain would go up instead of down the slant and fly from the top like a veil of water.
When he gets tired he crawls back into the other end of the couch and sleeps again and keeps Jared warm and he doesn’t worry about Jared because Jared is right there beside him and he can feel the beat of Jared’s heart with his leg against Jared’s chest and hear him breathing close and slow and so very steady.
========
Jared wakes up with the sun filtering through the dirt on his windows but he has no idea what time it is. Jensen is stretched out against him. Still or again, he can’t tell that either. Jared looks around and sees that every bit of food he had in his cabinets has been moved to the coffee table and artfully displayed in towers of water bottles and walls of silvery pop-tart packets. A pyramid of tin cans forms a solid backdrop and Jared doesn’t know if he should be amused or dismayed that all the labels have been stripped off.
He looks back at Jensen and is struck by the warmth and concern in the other man’s eyes and the razor-burn on his jaw reminds Jared he has some wound treatment to see to as soon as he’s awake enough to be competent.
“Hey,” Jared says and Jensen smiles at him.
“More sleeps?” And it’s good to hear Jensen's voice. Jared knows the more he uses it the more sense he makes and the practice has to be a good thing.
“Nah,” Jared says and untangles himself. He can’t believe he slept in his jeans and shoes but then again Jensen has no reason to think of changing into something more comfortable when it’s time for bed. “I’m gonna--” and he gestures towards the bathroom.
Jensen starts to get up and Jared smiles again.
“It’s okay. I won’t fall in and drown, I promise.” Jared closes the door behind him but his amusement fades when he sees the towel hung over the mirror. He takes care of the business he came in for because the call of nature waits for no man and then he pulls the towel down.
The mirror behind the makeshift cover has been smeared with shaving cream and Jared finds his own features distorted beyond recognition. A chill of dread sweeps through him and suddenly the small nicks on Jensen's face seem so much more sinister. He walks back to the living area and sees Jensen crouched by the kitchen table peering intently at whatever new thing he’s done to Jared’s silverware.
He doesn’t look like a man at war with his own face and Jared relaxes at the obviousness of that. Still the mystery will eat at him if he lets it so he draws Jensen away from the project.
Jensen balks at going into the bathroom and Jared soothes him with quiet words. “Not mad at you, I promise. I just want to understand why you’re uncomfortable. I want to make this better so you don’t have to hide the mirror.”
Jensen allows himself to be guided to stand by the sink but he won’t look at the smeared surface.
Jared holds Jensen with his back against Jared’s chest and touches his shoulders and arms until Jensen relaxes.
“What do you see?” Jared asks as gentle as he knows how to. “What did you cover up?”
“Strange.” Jensen says and tries to press back into him. “Stranger ghost.”
“It’s your reflection,” Jared tells him. “You know that, right?” He hugs Jensen around the shoulders and Jensen doesn’t try to leave the room.
“I’m me,” says Jensen. “The man.” He gestures at the mirror. “He was.”
Jared can’t understand despite how he wants to. “He can’t hurt you, Jensen. He’s just your reflection in the glass.”
Jensen squirms out of Jared’s grip and lifts the towel from the laundry basket. He rubs a circle clear of shaving cream. “Is,” he says and points to his own face. He taps the glass. “Nevermore.”
“Is.” Himself again so emphatically that Jared chooses not to argue but Jensen almost acts like he has. “Never him again. Not to be. Right?”
Jared pulls Jensen into the safe bubble of his arms. “I don’t know,” he says and hopes it’s the right thing. “I don’t know what’s going on in your head. But I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Jensen's fingers clench in the fabric of Jared’s jacket at both sides as he holds on like the mirror or something will reach out and tear them apart. And Jared lets him and holds on just as tight. He realizes then what he just promised and is surprised to find he means it. More than means it he wants it. To be there for Jensen always.
=============
Jensen and Jared face the man in the mirror together
beta and bunny by the wonderful Embroiderama
==========
======
Jeff works the line at the clinic with a hand on a shoulder here and a calming word there. Jared pulls a little girl with a nosebleed out of the row and Jeff soothes the irate man in front of her with an assurance that the girl needs help right this second. He drops his voice low and dangerous when he does it and the guy gets a clue and shuts his hole and waits his turn like most everybody else.
He watches Jared’s back and even though Jared isn’t a fighting man he knows Jared has his. The way Jared gave him money the night before was new too. Not some stranger giving him a handout to soothe their guilt or stop their fears from whispering ‘there but for the grace of God go I.’ No, that was Jared sharing what he had because he could. Because Jeff needed and Jared had. No strings and no stipulations on how it was spent. Not really.
A guy like Jared, Jeff can’t figure how he’s still single unless the job takes too much of his life. Jeff can understand that. Been there done that himself back before when the walls didn’t close in on him so viciously and normal people didn’t step around him on the street. He remembers the days of wife and kids and going off to work. He tries not to think about it too much. He doesn’t know exactly how many years he’s spent out here. Lost a few drinking and a few just drifting from city to city. He figures his kids are teens by now. Lisa remarried. God he hopes so.
This though, working for Jared and helping at the clinic--makes him feel a man again. As much as helping strangers on the street but in a different way. Part of a team doing more than any five guys could separately.
Jared lets him be a man again. A man takes care of his own and Jeff will find whoever’s done this to the people Jeff cares about. He’ll find him and do whatever it takes to eliminate the threat.
He makes the silent promise to be sure Jared has an alibi when the time comes.
========
Thirty-six hours of fear and work and running around like a crazy thing stand between Jared and the last time he saw his bed by the time he stumbles up the stairs to his apartment. The drive over had him biting his lip and slapping his own face to not fall asleep at the wheel and run a red light or rear-end a taxi. His apartment lock is his downfall though. The key refuses to fit and he can’t--he just can’t and it won’t work and he’ll cry if he isn’t in bed in like thirty seconds. The jiggling tips the Gatorade bottle off the other side of the knob and Jared’s glad every time he hears that because it means Jensen hasn’t left while he was gone.
“Jensen?” he calls and taps on the door. He knows it freaks Jensen out when he comes home so Jared tries to get his attention as gently as he can.
He hears a little scratch against the other side of the door too quiet to be heard if he wasn’t leaning against it for support.
“Jared?” The deadbolt clicks back and the door opens. Jensen blinks at him and the first thing that registers is that Jensen has cut his beard off. Mostly. Small patches and tufts of reddish hair still cling here and there between the razor burn and tiny cuts. Just another thing Jared should have planned for and taken care of ahead of time. He should have made sure Jensen had help with it or at the very least a couple fresh razors instead of the weeks old disposable Jared left him.
The second thing to register is that at least now Jared doesn’t have to worry about Jensen’s blood’s ability to clot.
The third thing that registers is that Jensen isn’t a bad looking guy without all the hair and Jared feels the slip-slide of an understatement so big that it’s almost a lie. His jaw is stronger than Jared would have guessed. All the proportions fall into place--eyes with nose with lips with chin and Jensen is so classically handsome that all Jared can do is stare. A few months of good meals and good sleep will fill him out and fade the last signs of wear and Jensen will be handsome like a soap star or male model.
He must be really out of it because Jensen waves a hand in front of his face and then grabs him by the arm and drags him inside. He looks worried and Jared wishes he knew what to do to make that go away but he’s having a hard time putting one thought in front of the other. He’s still sort of stuck on “Oooh, pretty,” when Jensen sits him on the couch and floats a light touch over Jared’s face and head and shoulders, down his arms to his wrists.
“Hurt?” Jensen asks and Jared manages to pull himself together.
“Huh? No. Just tired. Sorry.”
Jensen pushes him down to lie on his back and pulls the blanket up over him, shoes and all. He almost drifts off there and then but Jensen's back in a second with a pop-tart and a full bottle of yellow Gatorade urging Jared to eat and drink before he crashes and wow, Jared never realized how badly those two things go together, how sickly sweet the pop-tart jelly is or how sour the lemon-lime drink.
Still the combination puts some nutrients back in his system and he doesn’t feel so much like he’s dying. Tired though, so tired and Jensen kneels at his side and rests his head against Jared’s shoulder and Jared threads the fingers of his other hand through the hair at Jensen's nape and he feels too safe and content and loved to stay awake.
It isn’t the first time Jared’s slept on the couch. It was the one piece of furniture he lugged all the way up north when he moved out of his parents’ home and there was no way he was parting with a couch long enough for him to stretch out on and then some. Back when things went to shit with Darren he spent weeks out here avoiding the bed that smelled like them. Weeks or more.
He wakes up on the couch with the glow of streetlights and the passing of night time headlights shining soft on the room which is strange enough. The feel of another person’s warmth tangled up with him confuses him half awake. For a moment he freezes but then his brain kicks in. Jensen. That helps and he starts to figure out where he is and that Jensen is sharing the couch but with his head on the other end. One of his feet pokes Jared in the armpit and the other is slung over his hips to become a heavy warmth pressing against Jared’s crotch.
It feels wrong. Un-right to want Jensen and Jared’s erection shames him. Makes him feel dirty and selfish and he knows he just has morning wood and any touch would have gotten a rise out of him but he can’t help the guilt that fills him. So tired though and Jensen sleeping so sweetly against him. He shifts his hips and turns so the pressure is on his thigh and not his crotch. All he can manage before he slips under again and it’ll have to do.
=========
Jensen wakes Jared up again for cheese crackers and water. He never saw anybody sleep for so long but he never knew anybody that was awake for as long as Jared either except maybe Jeff, who he never sees sleep at all. The bad things at work must be very bad and Jensen wants to pull all of Jared’s clothes off and check for bruises or cuts or some sign of what happened. That would wake Jared up too much though and Jared looks so tired with the dark under his eyes and in his eyes and his hand so heavy on Jensen's hair.
One time Jared’s pocket makes a noise and Jensen finds a little black box-thing inside and he has seen people talking to them but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want it to wake up Jared so he puts it in the bathroom under all the clothes in the basket to make it be quiet.
He doesn’t know what else to do to help Jared sleep and get better. He puts the bottle back on the doorknob so he’ll know if anybody comes in and he puts food on the table for when Jared wakes up--all the food he can find. The heater hums dry hot air into the room but a foot away from the grill there isn’t much hot left. He pulls his jacket off and puts it over Jared to keep him warmer.
Having Jared home but sleeping is like having Jared not home except Jensen can watch him while he sleeps and Jared is much better to watch than the him in the mirror. He does. Watch Jared sleep. The curve of his eyelashes and the tiny crease on his forehead. The line by his mouth from a smile so big it leaves a mark and the dark flecks on his cheek and jaw and throat. He watches Jared sleep and when Jared frowns or twists like the blanket ties him up Jensen touches his hair and says soft words that don’t mean any meaning until Jared finds his quiet again.
When he gets hungry he eats and when he gets bored he takes the forks and knives and shapes them into a new shelter for the man with the green glass heart. A place with spaces between the walls for doors all around and a top to twist the wind away if it was solid and so all the rain would go off one side like a sheet. He thinks about the roof and if the building faced where the wind came from the rain would go up instead of down the slant and fly from the top like a veil of water.
When he gets tired he crawls back into the other end of the couch and sleeps again and keeps Jared warm and he doesn’t worry about Jared because Jared is right there beside him and he can feel the beat of Jared’s heart with his leg against Jared’s chest and hear him breathing close and slow and so very steady.
========
Jared wakes up with the sun filtering through the dirt on his windows but he has no idea what time it is. Jensen is stretched out against him. Still or again, he can’t tell that either. Jared looks around and sees that every bit of food he had in his cabinets has been moved to the coffee table and artfully displayed in towers of water bottles and walls of silvery pop-tart packets. A pyramid of tin cans forms a solid backdrop and Jared doesn’t know if he should be amused or dismayed that all the labels have been stripped off.
He looks back at Jensen and is struck by the warmth and concern in the other man’s eyes and the razor-burn on his jaw reminds Jared he has some wound treatment to see to as soon as he’s awake enough to be competent.
“Hey,” Jared says and Jensen smiles at him.
“More sleeps?” And it’s good to hear Jensen's voice. Jared knows the more he uses it the more sense he makes and the practice has to be a good thing.
“Nah,” Jared says and untangles himself. He can’t believe he slept in his jeans and shoes but then again Jensen has no reason to think of changing into something more comfortable when it’s time for bed. “I’m gonna--” and he gestures towards the bathroom.
Jensen starts to get up and Jared smiles again.
“It’s okay. I won’t fall in and drown, I promise.” Jared closes the door behind him but his amusement fades when he sees the towel hung over the mirror. He takes care of the business he came in for because the call of nature waits for no man and then he pulls the towel down.
The mirror behind the makeshift cover has been smeared with shaving cream and Jared finds his own features distorted beyond recognition. A chill of dread sweeps through him and suddenly the small nicks on Jensen's face seem so much more sinister. He walks back to the living area and sees Jensen crouched by the kitchen table peering intently at whatever new thing he’s done to Jared’s silverware.
He doesn’t look like a man at war with his own face and Jared relaxes at the obviousness of that. Still the mystery will eat at him if he lets it so he draws Jensen away from the project.
Jensen balks at going into the bathroom and Jared soothes him with quiet words. “Not mad at you, I promise. I just want to understand why you’re uncomfortable. I want to make this better so you don’t have to hide the mirror.”
Jensen allows himself to be guided to stand by the sink but he won’t look at the smeared surface.
Jared holds Jensen with his back against Jared’s chest and touches his shoulders and arms until Jensen relaxes.
“What do you see?” Jared asks as gentle as he knows how to. “What did you cover up?”
“Strange.” Jensen says and tries to press back into him. “Stranger ghost.”
“It’s your reflection,” Jared tells him. “You know that, right?” He hugs Jensen around the shoulders and Jensen doesn’t try to leave the room.
“I’m me,” says Jensen. “The man.” He gestures at the mirror. “He was.”
Jared can’t understand despite how he wants to. “He can’t hurt you, Jensen. He’s just your reflection in the glass.”
Jensen squirms out of Jared’s grip and lifts the towel from the laundry basket. He rubs a circle clear of shaving cream. “Is,” he says and points to his own face. He taps the glass. “Nevermore.”
“Is.” Himself again so emphatically that Jared chooses not to argue but Jensen almost acts like he has. “Never him again. Not to be. Right?”
Jared pulls Jensen into the safe bubble of his arms. “I don’t know,” he says and hopes it’s the right thing. “I don’t know what’s going on in your head. But I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Jensen's fingers clench in the fabric of Jared’s jacket at both sides as he holds on like the mirror or something will reach out and tear them apart. And Jared lets him and holds on just as tight. He realizes then what he just promised and is surprised to find he means it. More than means it he wants it. To be there for Jensen always.
=============
