ladyjanelly | Fic: "In From the Cold" J2 AU rated-R Ch. 19/?

Sometimes coping is the best you can hope for.

Thanks to Embroiderama for the beta. Welcome back. :)

The cab drops Mackenzie off in front of an aging brick building and Davis would never live in a place like this, is her first impression. The cracked parking lot and rusted-bottom cars, the crooked cement stairs and the door that doesn’t even catch.

She can imagine him saying “Just looking at that place hurts my soul,” like he was standing right beside her. She stomps down on the ache of loss the thought puts in her chest. This isn’t the time to think about her. She’s not the little sister anymore and it’s time to become the responsible one. To take care of her brother like he had taken care of her when they were growing up.

She has to believe he’s not gone. That what makes him himself wasn’t stolen with his credit cards and keys. If she can just find that spark of him under the stranger everything will work out. They’ll be okay and she can call Mom and tell her the good news.

She climbs the stairs and knocks on the door and Jared smiles down at her like he isn’t secretly pissed that she made it.

“Hey,” he says and pulls the door wider so she can come in to the dingy and cluttered apartment. “Lunch is just about ready. Pasta with canned tomato chunks and garbanzo beans if you want some.”

“Sure, thanks,” she says but all her attention is on Davis and she couldn’t say what she just agreed to eat.

Her brother is stretched out in a square of sunlight like a cat. He has a playing card sized piece of glass in one hand and is turning it to watch the reflections and refractions of the light on the wall. Mackenzie has a flash of memory of him at his drafting table with a material sample. Turning it over in his palm and a thoughtful frown between his eyebrows as he figured out how it would fit in his plan. Working while she did her homework on his couch.

Something. Something is still there. Davis is still there. Somewhere.

Like he knows she’s watching he glances in her direction and then away. To Jared. “Cans time?”

“Yup,” Jared says and Davis rolls to his feet and pads over to the kitchen. He pulls down three un-labeled cans from the cabinet, checks the tops of them and then takes the can-opener to them. His shoulder brushes Jared’s like he isn’t even aware there is such a thing as personal space.

“He’s reading now,” Jared says, to nobody in particular. “I’d guess he’s up to about a third-grade level, which is damn good for less than two months of practice. His progress hasn’t leveled off. Seems like a good sign.”

Davis passes the cans over and Jared dumps them into the freshly drained pasta. He doesn’t look at Mackenzie at all.

“He always was the smart one,” she says. The Davis she knew would have protested that. Bragged on her grades and reminded her of the academic scholarships she qualified for. This one doesn’t even twitch.

She waits and the two men finish mixing up lunch. The kitchen surprises her with how clean it is in contrast to the clutter that fills half the oversize living room. Davis gets bowls and forks and Jared carries the pot to the table.

“So what’s the plan for today?” she asks when the silence gets to be too much.

“Jeff,” says Davis.

“If we happen to see him,” Jared adds. “Jensen likes to take a long walk around this time of day. He collects art supplies and I’m always keeping an eye out for more work surface for him.”

She looks around. You’ve got to be kidding, she thinks but doesn’t say. This junk is supposed to be art?

“And this Jeff person?” she asks because putting down Davis’ “art” isn’t going to get her anywhere.

“Friend of me,” Davis says. He’s still not quite looking at her and when he does his glances are wary and almost petulant. Jared does a much better job of pretending to tolerate her.

“Back when Jensen was on the street, he had a rough time looking out for himself. Jeff’s this local guy. Helps whoever he can. He’s the one who brought Jensen to the clinic the night he got the crap beat out of him.”

That gives her a spark of hope to counteract the shots of annoyance at hearing her brother addressed by a name that isn’t his. Maybe this Jeff guy cares enough about Davis to want to see him back where he belongs. No real friend would want to see him kept like a pet or worse when he’s got a loving family to go to. Maybe Jeff can hook her up with a local lawyer. Somebody to advocate for Davis when he won’t stand up for himself.

She eats the food they put in front of her and watches her brother and tries to figure out how she can fix this.

After lunch they put their shoes on and grab empty back packs. Davis brings her an oversize hoodie even though the weather is too warm for it. Even though neither of them has a jacket.

“I’m fine, thank you,” she says. The last thing she wants is to reject her brother’s first attempt at making contact with her.

He shakes his head. “Too fine. More to be invisible.”

She looks to Jared to decipher that for her.

“He’s right,” Jared explains. “You’re dressed too nice for where we’re going. You’ll attract too much attention. You might want to leave everything but your driver’s license and cell-phone here too, just in case. We’ve never had a problem, but we’ve never had a young lady along with us either.”

A flutter of worry clenches through her stomach. They’re going somewhere dangerous. On purpose. Her brother can’t even put a sentence together anymore and this guy is letting him go somewhere dangerous.

She takes the jacket Davis offers her and pulls it on. Leaves everything but her ID and phone on the table and off they go.

The sun is warm and bright and they walk a leisurely pace south from the apartment building. Everything is dirty here. Worn and ugly and it just gets worse with each block they walk.

“If you get tired let us know,” Jared offers. “Jensen probably walks ten miles a day or more when he’s out and about with Jeff and I’ve gotten used to keeping up with him on my days off.”

“I’ll let you know,” she says but she’ll be damned if she calls uncle before they do.

Davis starts wandering more than walking. Poking down shadowed alleyways and kicking through trash in the nooks of the buildings. He walks along the gutter with his head down looking at something. For something. He stops and picks up some bent piece of metal and stuffs it in his bag and moves on again.

Jared stays back. At the mouth of the alley. Watching, she realizes. For cops or trouble she’s not sure.

“I talked to Jensen,” Jared offers when Davis is too far away to hear his soft voice. “About getting the MRI and some other tests done.”

Her heart pounds with hope. If she can show Davis he’s hurt and there’s a good reason for how he feels, maybe he’ll come home.

“He’s terrified,” Jared admits. “He’s so scared and I think the testing will ease his mind. I don’t--have much money, but I’ve got friends in the medical field. I think I can swing it.”

“Oh.” She’s caught off guard at that. Hadn’t even realized money could be a problem. “He still has insurance. He was self-employed. Paid it yearly.”

Jared nods and his shoulders sag. He really was intending to bankrupt himself to get Davis the help he needs and the thought unbalances what she had assumed about him. Not now, but maybe soon she can convince him of what she knows. That Davis should be with his family.

“I’ll call home tonight,” she offers. “Get the paperwork sent by Fed-Ex. We can take care of the co-pay too. Would you mind setting up the appointments?”

“No problem,” Jared says, “And thanks. All this--you coming back in his life. It’s disrupted his entire world. I just--wanted to be able to give him something solid. Something he can count on.”

Mackenzie watches her brother dig through a dumpster and she tries to imagine the Davis she knows being so delighted by so little.

They walk a while more and she watches Davis. He seems happy and free. He might be a different person (temporarily) but he doesn’t seem hurt or sad or like Jared’s been taking advantage of him.

“Tell me what he used to be like?” Jared’s voice is soft. Wary like he isn’t sure if he wants to hear the answer to his question.

She laughs and it hurts. “Nothing like he is now.” She hesitates. Memories rush at her. Davis walking her downstairs to her prom date. Davis helping with her homework in fifth grade. Davis becoming the man of the house in all the ways that matter to a little girl when their dad left when he was twelve. Davis at their mother’s bedside day and night through weeks of chemo.

“He was brilliant,” she says to preserve the fragile memories of their childhood. “His homes have been in Architectural Digest three times. Three times before he turned thirty and that’s serious. He designed the condos he lives in. Did you know that?” She looks away because of course he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know Davis at all.

“And he still wasn’t some asshole all obsessed with his career. He made time. For us. Mom and me. My plays and high school graduation. He took us to charity events. He loved us.”

She presses the heels of her hands against her eyes to stop the tears. God, she can’t cry here. Not in front of this guy. Not with Davis so close and needing her to hold it together.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says and offers her a folded up napkin. She blots at her eyes and blows her nose.

“He still cares about people,” Jared says and she watches his eyes to see if he’s trying to lie to her face. “As messed up as things are for him, he still tries to take care of everybody. Me when I had a rough day. Street people.” He swallows like he’s steeling himself for a big truth. “Even if this is as better as he gets--even if he never really remembers, you can be his friend again. He can care again.”

It’s only natural if she hates him a little for saying that.

==========

It’s not that Jensen dislikes Mackenzie. She isn’t bad. She doesn’t hurt him. And walking around he doesn’t think she wants the police to take him away anymore. He hurts for her though, for the sad in her eyes when he isn’t Davis. She looks at him and she doesn’t see him and he doesn’t know who to be for her.

Being for Jared is easier but with Mackenzie there Jared is different too. He touches less and smiles less and he talks to her in soft words and Jensen knows the words are about him.

He doesn’t need always Jared’s whole attention and they walk and he finds things to build from and sometimes Jensen smiles at Mackenzie and sometimes she smiles back.

They go back to home and Jensen unpacks his new treasures and Jared tells Mackenzie to come again tomorrow to spend time.

She goes and the quiet is good again and Jensen goes to Jared and nuzzles in against his jaw to see if they can be touching again. Jared holds both sides of Jensen's face and kisses him slow and gentle on his mouth and Jensen breathes in the love and comfort Jared offers.

“I was missed you,” Jensen whispers and Jared says, “But I was right here.”

So Jensen puts his hands on Jared’s waist and his thumbs rub the dip in the front of his hips and he nips at the corner of Jared’s mouth to be his attention.

“Missed you,” he says again in his hungry-voice and Jared chuckles down low in his chest.

“It’s like that, is it?”

Jensen presses up against Jared and the love he has is so big he can’t make enough of him touch enough of Jared to show it and he wishes he could be inside Jared’s skin and safe forever against him.

Jared brushes the tips of his fingers over Jensen's cheekbone and makes a low groan in his chest. “This doesn’t have to be sex. If you don’t want to…”

And that makes Jensen stop and look up at his Jared. “Do you un-want to?”

“No,” Jared says and a spike of hurt starts to go through Jensen before Jared finishes “I want to. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

Jensen laughs all bright and free and he loves his Jared so much even when he says silly things.

“I feel like I want,” he grins and he guides Jared’s hand down against him and even though he’s the one moving Jared’s hand it still feels so good he bumps against it and shivers at the sparks that go through him.

Jared smiles too and draws Jensen to the bedroom even though Jensen would be happy on the couch or against the wall. If Jared likes the bed best Jensen can go there for him.

They stretch on the bed together and rub against each other in all their clothes and Jensen loves the way Jared feels with his chest against Jensen's chest and their legs sliding together. He wants but he needs too and he opens Jared’s pants and puts his hand inside and feels Jared wanting him too.

He isn’t sure if the mouth thing is a shower-only thing but he moves down between Jared’s legs and Jared rubs his legs against Jensen's shoulders and his ribs and when he kisses Jared’s parts Jared makes a funny breath and calls his name. It feels good. To feel Jared coming apart with the feeling good. To know he’s the one who makes Jared say the happy words with all their meaning in the tone. That he’s the one Jared says love to and oh god to.

He touches with his hand and his mouth and tries to remember how Jared did it. It must be right how he does it because Jared calls his name and reaches to pull him up and he does the mess thing just as Jensen is drawing away and the white and wet catches him under his jaw and across his lips. Jared tasted it in the shower. Swallowed it all and Jensen flicks his tongue out to taste the salt and bitter of it.

It isn’t bad but it isn’t good either and it turns cold fast. He wipes his face on the shoulder of his shirt and Jared laughs and asks him if he’s alright and he tells Jared he’s the most right any person could ever be ever.

========

Mom answers on the third ring. Always has, always will. Mackenzie tries not to think about how her mother looks old for the first time since the cancer went into remission. How Davis going missing has aged her more than illness or her husband leaving did.

“Hi Mom,” she says and tries not to let her voice crack. And before Mom can say “Oh honey what’s wrong,” she blurts out, “I found him. Oh god, I found him mom, he’s alive.”

And they cry together on the phone and she manages to tell what she knows between sobs. That Davis was hurt so bad he’s not himself anymore. And they still don’t know why he’d driven the three hours to get there or if there was a reason for the attack besides someone else wanting his car and his wallet.

“He’s living with some man,” she says. “This guy Jared who took care of him a few months ago at a clinic and then--just kept him. He kept him mom, like a stray with no tags.”

“Mac,” Mom cuts in, “Mac, if anybody deserves a guardian angel when they can’t look after themselves it has to be Davis, doesn’t it? Is he safe? Is he happy?”

And to admit that would be to accept that her brother doesn’t need them so she bites her lip like a child and refuses to answer.

“I’ll drive out first thing tomorrow,” Mom promises. “You have a hotel and everything? Do you need any money?”

“Yes Mom, no Mom,” Mackenzie sighs. “Bring his paperwork with you though. The new driver’s license and the photo album and his insurance card, okay?”

“I’ll call you when I get to town,” Mom says and they exchange goodbyes and I-love-yous and Mackenzie closes her phone.

Sleep isn’t going to come easy.