(no subject)

[ladyjanelly]

I'm so frustrated by my experience in the breastfeeding lj community right now.

Every now and then I'll see a post by a new mom who is having a problem and looking for solutions, and I think "Oh! I had that problem too." so I'll say what I did and what results I got.

And then like 2 or 3 other people (not always the same ones) will jump on my response and say how wrong it was and I don't want to get into a debate on the post of a new mom who is in a stressful place right now and doesn't need the conflict so I just go quiet.

Am I really that atypical that nothing that worked for me will work for anyone else? I am nine months into a great breastfeeding relationship. Why is my advice worthless?


Also, I may be a little bit hormonal this morning.

Comments

[jellicle.livejournal.com]

From I remember about what another lj friend told me, no matter what you say in that comm, there'll always be someone to jump and say that you're doing it wrong, how their way is best, etc. I'm pretty sure your advice is far rom worthless, darling. Hugs!

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Heh. I ended up walking away for the sake of my sanity. I feel pretty good about knowing when to walk away. Thanks for your support though.

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but they are wrong on the internetz. Breastfeeding, like anything else involving parenting infants, is highly personalised to the child and the parent. If it works, it's right. If not, try something else. There are no wrong answers, except ignoring the cues your child provides and/or the signals your body is sending you. Your body and your baby are very specifically designed to know what's best for baby in the early years, and anybody saying "what worked for you is wrong" is a twit.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I walked away before know-it-alls drove me crazy. Thanks for the support though. I feel like I walked away tall. :)

[albeitslowly.livejournal.com]

That comm is just full of judgmental beyotches who have nothing better to do than attack other people on the internet because they have no self worth outside of caring for their kids. I only know this because I watch a few drama/snark comms, and that one shows up on them all the time.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

THIS.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I chose to walk away while I was still sane. Thanks for the snark-cam POV advice.

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

First off, you're a great mom and your advice is great! There are just women who are so insecure and unhappy that they have to destroy anyone else so that they feel less than tiny in their world. You go right ahead and give your advice and if folks say that you are wrong again, just simply say 'It might not work in your world, but it does in mine. Please don't jump on me for being helpful and hurting the new mom who is asking for aid because you feel it is wrong. We're all different, please remember that and calm down.'

Come out on top sweets cuz you ARE on top! And maybe I'm just spouting things that I know nothing of cuz I've never been a mom (and may never be), but I do know that you can be condescending without being nasty. ^^

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I walked away tall. :) Just un-joined without comment. I feel much better now. Thanks for your support.

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

[coolgrin.livejournal.com]

All I have to say is that people can be douches. Your advice is not worthless. Hugs you.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Awww. Thanks. I walked away from the group. I feel better now.

[villeinage.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I breasfed both my kids for AGES,trained and volunteered as a bfeeding counselor, and I must tell you that the lj parenting communities I've stumbled across...

*shakes head in appalled confusion*

Anyway.

There's typically a hierarchy of more-likely and less-likely solutions to common issues. And there are also very rude people.

Breathe, and enjoy the breastfeeding relationship you have.

It's one of the few things I miss from my kids' infancy!

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the support. I ended up just walking away for my mental health. I've got good resources if I run into a problem without being in such a stressful group, so it's better this way.

I'm really gonna miss it when she weans, and when we stop co-sleeping. I love snuggling her so much.

[surevesta.livejournal.com]

There really is very little way to breast feed wrong... after all in hunter gatherer cultures children breastfeed for years and often are carried in a way (night and day) that allows them *constant* access to feed (something very few mothers do in Western cultures). Basically the kids and their Mom's set their own schedule and how to based on preferences and what works for them.

What works for one person might not work for another schedule wise or how it is done... I've never breast fed personally but I'm pretty sure that any advice is good advice if it is something that worked for someone. People shouldn't automatically shoot someone else down. That's just petty and rude. I'd just ignore the rude comments and, personally, I'd pm the new mom next time rather than waste time in posting to the comm.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Sami gets to nurse whenever she's hungry, even if I have to stop when I"m driving somewhere.

I ended up walking away from the BF group. Just too much stress and not enough reward.

[kentucka]

Not like I have any experiences breastfeeding, but...
Those new moms presumably are just looking for ideas of what they could do differently. I think you're doing great. You shouldn't ever stop trying to put in your two cents, to tell them what worked for you. Even if others jump in and tell you it was wrong, even if in the end it doesn't work for the OP, maybe it just gives the OP or anyone else reading through the comm a new approach and they can figure something out on their own.

Kudos to you for simply ignoring the troll-like responses from the others. I'm always very tempted to just yell back at them. :)

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Alas, I ended up walking away from the BF group. Thanks for your support though.

[kgoodbuddy.livejournal.com]

I breastfed 3 kids successfully, and for the record, EVERYTHING La Leche League told me was counterproductive. Keep putting your two cents' worth out there---if it helps someone else who's having no luck following the "standard" advice, it's worth it.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel like I might have helped someone, but the environment was just too draining for me so I left. Thanks for your support though.

[lease.livejournal.com]

I couldn't stand that community after I saw countless clueless new moms get jumped all over. I strongly believe in bfing but had to defriend that comm. :P

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

That community had a hard time seeing in shades of grey, that's for sure. There was no bonus points for trying or mostly-breastfeeding or whatever. It was all or nothing. I had to walk away for my mental health.

[redina]

{hugs} Each person is different, and if something works for you, then that's great! It may work for others, it may not, but folk should appreciate (or at least not be rude to) an assortment of reasonable perspectives, especially on a comm meant to share experiences. In other words, your advice is worthwhile. :-) You're probably not the only person with 'interesting' bouts of hormones. ;-)

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Heh. Yeah, your comment made me realize that there's something inherently crazy in a bunch of new moms conversing about controversial subjects of any type. So yeah. I walked away before I caught the crazy.

[tabaqui]

Blech. In future, perhaps just privately message or email the person, to avoid the people who are such utter asshats.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should have stuck it out, but I left the group and now I feel a whole lot better. Thanks for your support though. It was awesome how much feedback i got on this.

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

I had a similar experience to other people here. Breastfed three kids of my own and have volunteered for years at a Parenting Counseling program at my local hospital. When I got on LJ? The people in the comms were HORRID. I hope you have the fortitude to keep commenting as a voice of reason. I'm sorry to say that I didn't.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I didn't either. I had to leave for my own stress levels.

[frostian.livejournal.com]

If that's the comm I'm thinking - then no.

I had very difficult time breastfeeding so I went to that comm. Luckily, I saw their behavior and defriended el pronto.

They've got a bad rep from what I understand, and rightly deserved one too.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of positive and supportive people there--just it gets lost under the negativity. I went ahead and left to preserve my sanity.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

Lactivists are just like any other group with an Issue and a personal axe to grind. They wanna argue. Just say that this worked for you, though it might not work for everyone, and leave it at that.

My friend mofic is a lactivist and has several children. I don't know if you'd want to look her up, but I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you about any issues on that subject, if you'd like. Just fyi, hon.

And screw 'em, lady j! She's ~your baby, and it's ~your relationship-you know what works for you, and what's right for you both-it doesn't matter what they say!

~hugs

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I had to walk away from the comm before I took it too personal. Thanks for the pep-talk. :)

[fannishliss.livejournal.com]

just agreeing here with all the above.

The weirdest thing that happened to me in breastfeeding was that I had a lot of trouble until one day I finally decided to pump. ( I had bought a mini electric pump, a good name brand.) Having completely pumped both breasts just ONE TIME -- I never had any trouble again! ISN'T THAT WEIRD!! I'd love to go over to that comm and just be all like I RECOMMEND BOTTLE FEEDING :)

(not really, my kid was super finicky and never took a bottle but, I myself drank from a bottle till I was four and five! i turned out okay, and my teeth are VERY STRAIGHT. )

heh -- mine is an evil laugh

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I think it's really stupid how everyone there acts like what worked for the majority is the only way. But anyway. I had to walk away.

[elzybub.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's useless at all. I always thing its good to have more than one suggestion because what works for one person may not work for another. You could be giving this new mother the exact advice she needs for her situation and these other posters could be wrong and what worked for them may not work for her. It may not help at all since people often times find the internet a medium that they can be rude through, but you could try asking them not to totally reject your ideas because they have some merit since they worked for you.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel bad that I left the new moms in the hands of the bullies there, but I had to walk away for my own sanity.

[davidcrackin.livejournal.com]

People are ridiculous; sometimes there is no "right" or "wrong" answer to a question - sometimes there is only trial and error until you find something that works for you. And how on earth is a person going to be able to try different approaches if people are being intimidated into not saying anything.
I think it's great that you are willing to share your experiences and regardless of what these other people say on the breast feeding comm I garauntee that you have helped lots of people. Screw them ALL!! I may be feeling a little hormonal this evening ;)

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel bad that I left the new moms in the hands of the bullies there, but I had to walk away for my own sanity.

[anifsemaj.livejournal.com]

From what I've seen, & discovered from my own experiences with breastfeeding, is that it's different for everyone. I'm sure your information as to what worked for you was helpful to the new mother, if nothing else giving them options & things to try - whether it worked or not. As for the folks who jumped on your case, only thing I can say is take a deep breath!

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel bad that I left the new moms in the hands of the bullies there, but I had to walk away for my own sanity.

[rjgrady.livejournal.com]

"This worked for me" may not always be the best advice, but it is always useful advice. Just ignore the haters.

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I feel bad that I left the new moms in the hands of the bullies there, but I had to walk away for my own sanity.