Fic: Mercy 4/4

[ladyjanelly]

I think I'm gonna make this into a one-shot longer fic and post it on the bds_fic group.  I'm thinking it should be read in one sitting.  You might need to re-read part 3 before you hit this one. the transition between them is sort of important.  Same death/angst/violence warnings as the other bits.

anyways, hit me with some concrit, please.

The rifle's report becomes the sound of two booted feet striking as one, kicking in heavy door. A room is spread before them, a room that should be filled with a meeting of mafia guys.

Instead there's a folding card table, a pyramid of six grey bricks on top of it. A little blinking green light turns to red.

Fucken Italians,

Murphy thinks,  six bars of plastique when one would have done the job.

He has just the time to look at Connor one last time. Then the blast hits, blowing them back against the brick of the hall. Bones are crushed, organs destroyed, skulls shattered.

"Connor!" He's screaming, even though he knows he has no lungs, no jaw, no voice.

And Connor is there--his warmth, his scent, his strength. Arms hold him, rock him. The air smells of grass instead of fire. The light behind his eyelids is soft.

"For fuck's sake, Murph. Stop. Please. Stop."

Panic rises in Murphy's chest again.

"I can't do it again, Conn. Please. I can't see you die again. Don' make me. I don' want to."

The heel of Connor's hand rubs the tears off of his face.

"I never have," Connor tells him. "I never will."

 

 

Comments

[rieloflorien.livejournal.com]

will read all four on the train later.
As its written by you, I know I am in for something great!
Thanks!

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

I'm making some changes to it before Ipost it to the bds group, so if you have any feedback I'd love to hear it. Already I've gotten some realy good questions and reactions from the first three.

Since you're reading them all at one sitting, I'd love to know how they fit together as one larger composition.

Thanks,

-J.

Feedback

[rieloflorien.livejournal.com]

Read them.
I really wouldn't change anything because I think the "jumps" in the storyline are intended, right?
I don't think the reader needs to know any more about Rory or the different circumstances etc. It's different in subject, style and idea.. It's another great work! I mean it!

The best thing about it, I thought was that in the first part I didn't know which twin's perspective it was written from. That was great. I tried to guess from the way you described the twin he was watching, but it seemed as if you used descriptions that worked for both and that again made perfect sense, because it doesn't matter which twin it is - they both feel the same anyways.

The way I understand it, if you care to know, is that Murph can't handle death (or being dead or having watched Connor die) and that he is caught in this ever-re-occurring (but differing) scene of death encountered by both.

It's a very sad story that really made me melancholic on my short trip, but I think it is a great piece of work!

Well done!

Riêl

Re: Feedback

[ladyjanelly.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, sweet tasty feedback. :)

Did you get the feeling that all the deaths (and therefor all the lives) were equally real? Plausible, tangible?

I figured the last one would need less detail because it's the world we're used to seeing connor and murphy in. Did you feel it was under-fleshed?

I definitely care to know how you understand it. Your impression is very close to how i envisioned it. Connor accepts the cycle of life, justice, death and so it doesnt haunt him in this "between" place. Murphy copes less well.

At the end, did it seem murphy was telling connor not to die, or not to force Murphy to live again? that phrasing's been haunting me all day at work.

thanks so much for the fb. Really appreciate it, especially with a wip like this.
-J.

Re: Feedback

[rieloflorien.livejournal.com]

"Did you get the feeling that all the deaths (and therefor all the lives) were equally real? Plausible, tangible?"

Absolutely! It was like a series of equally horrid experiences for Murphy.

"Connor accepts the cycle of life, justice, death and so it doesnt haunt him in this "between" place. Murphy copes less well. " Understatement of the year ;-)
But that's exactly how it read (for me).

"At the end, did it seem murphy was telling connor not to die, or not to force Murphy to live again?"
I think it's pretty much the same thing. To see Connor dying goes hand in hand with Murphy having to live again. And why not have an ending that makes the reader think?
I always liked the idea to finish an essay with a killer sentence. That's what you did.

And I appreciate that you'd care for my opinion!
You are by far my favorite fanfic writer and the most talented I have noticed so far!